His Lovingkindness

The past few months have been I believe the most precious and challenging season of my life. I have experienced so much grief and heartache with rich moments of joy in abundance without measure or reason. I give God all of the glory. John 9:24-25 “So they again called the man who was blind, and said to him, ‘Give God the glory! We know this man is a sinner.’ He answered and said, ‘whether He is a sinner or not I do not know. One thing I know: that though I was blind, now I see.’”

My life was not always like this. I didn’t always recognize God as my Beloved. He wasn’t always the center of my attention. My eyes were typically drawn to other things, and my heart was filled with idolatry and selfish ambition. Things I couldn’t have even identified at the time. My eyes were blinded, and my heart was cold and hardened towards the Lord. My ears were deaf to my Beloved’s calling. Yet, in His perfect grace, now I see and walk in the abundance of mercy and grace He has bestowed upon my life.

My boasting is in the Lord. It has to be. There is no way I can be where I am today without Him. He has saved me from my sins and rescued me from a life that was empty and unfulfilling. I was looking to people and things to satisfy my needs and desires.

We were created for relationships.

With our spouse...

Genesis 2:18, “And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’”

With God...

Hosea 2:19, “I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and mercy. I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord.

With other believers...

Matthew 10:40, “He who receives you receives Me, and he who receives Me receives Him who sent me.”

My struggle has always been seeking fulfillment in other people instead of turning to My Father. I allowed others to temporarily satisfy a void in me that longed for affection that they would never be able to fill. For a few years of my life, I felt God calling me to Him, and I chose to chase the things of this world that I felt would be more satisfying. I describe the Lord as a gentlemen. He stood at the door knocking, and after time He quit knocking because I wasn’t responding. I believe the Lord never left me, but I know He was watching with great pain and longing that I might look upon Him. It wasn’t until a few years later that it was almost as if I heard the Lord saying, “Emily, I’ve watched you live your life the way you’ve wanted, and I’m tired of allowing you to walk in your wickedness and disobedience, come and follow Me.” It wasn’t instant, but in His grace, I surrendered a relationship I desperately wanted to hold onto.

Since I was younger, I had a vision of the woman that I longed to be, but because of the shame and guilt that I carried in my heart, I felt as though God could never use me to truly be that woman. Lie.

Through that season, I began walking with the Lord and followed the strong desire He had given me to pursue Him. I began reading a book that I’m rereading today titled, “Completely His.” The Lord used this book as a tool to help me understand what it meant to be the bride of Christ and that He longs to have an intimate relationship with us. I had never heard of this book before. I was simply walking around Barnes and Nobles when the Lord led me to the book. The cover perfectly visualized the image I had always seen of the woman I believed God viewed me as. The cover had a woman dancing out in a field with her arms open wide, wearing a white dress. Although her face is blurred, you can see her beautiful smile. As I read this book, the author, Shannon Ethridge, describes how God used her brokenness and a time of deep darkness to bring Him glory in her walk with Him.

On a Friday night two summers ago, I attended a worship service at Christ for the Nations. As I sat and asked the Lord to please show me His undying love for me, someone placed their hand on my back and began praying for me. Although I never heard the words that were spoken, what I felt in that moment testifies that the Lord was answering that prayer. My entire body was completely saturated with a love that was unparalleled to anything I had experienced before and I knew it was the Lord. I wept for nearly three hours that night thanking God for his unrelenting love for me.

The next morning I woke up and told the Lord I was going to run until He had answered all of my questions. As I began running, the scripture, Jeremiah 29:11 that says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,” replayed over and over in my head for 10 miles. As I came upon the last mile home the Lord very clearly said, “In that moment I took away all of your shame and all of your guilt.” If you’ve ever experienced the feeling of believing that God cannot use you because of your sin, KNOW that this is a lie Satan wants you to believe. God takes those that are broken to use for His glory. How beautiful is His love for us.

Over the next few months, the Lord led me to a man who I truly believe loves the Lord with all of His being. Someone who captivated me because of the love of Christ that lives through him.

For two years this man loved me with the love of Christ, with patience and mercy for the countless times I fell short. Romans 3:23, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

Although I do not understand the ways of the Lord, I trust in His works.

Psalm 23:3, “He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.”

God has and will continue to be faithful in loving me. I praise Him that my heart has not become embittered during this season. When I am alone, He comforts me.

I write this to you today so that my testimony may bring you joy in your times of suffering. I pray that your times of mourning will be turned to joy because of your relationship with the Father. Christ has overcome the grave and your sins have been forgiven. Cling to Him and He will make your ways straight. Christ suffered so that you may live.

I’ll leave you with this illustration.

Think of all of your sins.

Think of all the times you have been unfaithful as the bride of Christ.

Imagine the cross. Imagine Christ in the garden pleading with the Father to pass the cup from Him, that He would not have to drink of the sufferings to come.

Now imagine all of the burdens you have tried to carry yourself, and place them on Christ’s shoulders. The weight of death crushes you and I, but Christ saved us from that. He suffered and died so that we may live.

The wrath of God was poured out on Christ as He hung on the cross before you. Your sins today hang on that cross with Him, keeping you from the hour of trial. Because of Christ’s love for you and His obedience to the Father, Christ hid you and your sins from God so that He might present you holy and blameless, without stain or wrinkle, perfect; before the Father.

Psalm 71: 15-17, “My mouth shall tell of Your righteousness and Your salvation all the day, for I do not know their limits. I will go in the strength of the Lord God; I will make mention of Your righteousness, of Yours only. O God, You have taught me from my youth; and to this day I declare Your wondrous works.”

By His grace, may you be blessed because of His lovingkindness.