I've just recently moved to Ft. Worth and have finally settled in and feel "at home." I made the decision to move out because I really just wanted some "alone" time, just me and God. Turns out, I really just felt pretty alone. It took me about a week to get used to being out here. I struggled with not having anything to do, no cable, no internet, no one. period. Everyone I tried to spend time with had other things to do, no one was calling me back, or even calling me. I began asking God why He was making this so difficult on me. When I began sharing these feelings with a good friend, He told me, "He just wants you to go to Him, just go to Him."
I'm pretty sure I went home and turned on the TV (It took the AT&T guy 3 1/2 hours to set it up...even He said, "Maybe you're just not supposed to have TV"). I've turned my TV on twice now since I've had cable in the two and a half weeks since I've had it. I've realized what used to fulfill me, no longer has an effect on me. I've recently made a commitment to not watch chick flicks anymore. Something I really loved to do....so much so it was one of my favorite things to do to just go and see the movie by myself in theaters. It was like a date with myself. No one to entertain. Just me and that screen. I just realized, its producing in me a false hope. I watch the movies because something deep inside of me longs for the affection and the attention I see on the screen. It's false. When the movie is over, I feel worse than when I started the movie. I share all of this with you, because like many women, we can find ourselves sitting somewhere in a public place, see a good looking guy and play the whole thing out in our heads about how we met and he pursued and wooed us and now we have 3 beautiful children and he hasn't even made eye contact with you! Really. Okay, maybe you've never done that, but I'm just going to lay that out on the table that I'm guilty of that. I don't want to be, but since I was little that's all I've ever seen in movies, so why wouldn't it be like that? Right? Of course not. It's all in God's timing.
The scripture in Song of Solomon, 2:7 states, "Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases." Imagine your best friend coming home and sharing with you that she has found the one. She tells her friends, "I am lovesick" and her beloved has barely even made it back into his car. She is advising you, please wait and be patient until your love has come. Don't going looking for it! She shares all this with you because she desperately wants you to have what she has found. As she's telling you about him, her beloved calls out to her, He says, "Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away." vs. 10.
The Lord has begun to create a sense of urgency in me to let me know He is waiting to be with me. I consider it to be one of the greatest graces He has bestowed upon me. It's as if He is calling me into the wedding chambers (my closet) just to be with Him. Sometimes I'll go to Him and just sit and be still and other times I'll pour my heart out to Him about all the things I'm struggling with. Whatever it is, He delights in the simple fact that I choose to meet with Him. He calls you and I to Him just like in the scriptures!
One thing the Lord has removed from my heart is the desire of a lavished wedding. The Lord has truly blessed me with several dreams leading up to one in particular that stands out from the rest. After 4 dreams in a row basically showing me the same thing, before going to bed the 5th night, I asked the Lord that He would reveal to me what He wanted me to see. The 5th night was a dream about my wedding. In the dream, I was preparing for my wedding in a building not too far from where the actual wedding was going to take place. I remember walking out of the bridal room and asking a woman if the wedding over in the sanctuary (my wedding) had already started. She said that indeed she believed it had just started, but to my surprise, it was if she didn't even recognize that I was the bride. Before I went into the sanctuary, my dad came to me and told me that my groom thought that it was time for us to get married, it was as if he said it with uncertainty. I remember going to the Lord and asking, "Lord, is it your will that I get married? Is this what you want?" As I walked to the sanctuary, I was to anxious to sit and wait, so I walked in. I didn't walk down the center isle, I simply walked in and sat down in a pew on the right side of the church, fully clothed in my wedding dress. I remember thinking, "why is no one looking at me?" "why has no one noticed I'm the bride?" The people in my dream were all the people we had invited to my wedding and I remember thinking, "Why are they here? Didn't they get our letter that we've called off the wedding?" As I sat in the pew, my father came and set behind me and held my hand as we listened to the preacher give a strong word. Most of the people in the congregation weren't even listening. The thing that struck me most though, was when the banner was raised. What would have said my name and the groom's name, just said...."My Glorious King." This wedding was not the one I had planned, it was the Lords.
I wear a gold wedding band on my left ring finger. It may seem odd to some people, but several weeks before Billy and I had even gotten engaged, I sensed the Lord asking me to be His bride. I was so excited, I went and bought a gold ring to symbolize the marriage. When Billy and I got engaged, I wore the ring he had purchased for me and placed the other one in a box, hidden away in my closet. It wasn't until what would have been my wedding day, that I sensed the Lord, again, asking me to be His bride. Not wanting it to be a desire of my flesh that I wear the ring, I asked the Lord to show me what He wanted me to do. I asked Him to lead me. He led me to His word and revealed to me Rev. 2:3-5. "and you have persevered and have patience,and have labored for My name's sake and have not become weary. Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place-unless you repent." I spent that time in prayer and asked the Lord, "please Lord, forgive me for leaving you and going astray..I ask for forgiveness that by Your grace, I might fellowship with you, Father." Rev. 3:7..."I know your works. See I have set before you an open door, and no one can shut it; for you have a little strength and have kept My word, and have not denied My name...Because you have kept My command to persevere, I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon the whole world, to test those who dwell on the earth...Behold, I am coming quickly! Hold fast what you have, that no one may take your crown. He who overcomes, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God, and he shall go out no more. I will write on him the name of My God and the name of the city of My God, the New Jerusalem, which comes down out of heaven from My God. And I will write on him My new name."
I still may not understand why, but I do know to walk softly and wait on the Lord. Be patient and be still. Go to Him and continue to go to Him. His timing is right. It is perfect. When I feel like I've spent all the time I can with Him, I still want more time. As you read Song of Solomon, I encourage you to look at how He describes His bride. How beautiful she is to Him. How He embraces her and calls out to her. My desire is to have and know that kind of love. For you to know that kind of love. To know that the God of all living creatures here on earth and in heaven desires to whoo and pursue you, sister! 7:10 "I am my beloved's, and HIs desire is toward me."
8:6 "Set me as a seal upon your heart,
As a seal upon your arm;
For love is as strong as death,
Jealousy as cruel as the grave,
Its flames are flames of fire,
A most vehement flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can floods drown it.
If a man would give for love
All the wealth of his house,
It would be utterly despised."
Your bridegroom has already paid the price for your wedding day, He's made all the appropriate arrangements. The wedding feast has been prepared, and the proper garments are awaiting you as you meet with Him each day in the bridal chambers. May He clothe you with righteousness, truth and the crown of glory as He takes you before His throne and presents you to the Father today.
Be ravished by His love for you.
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